Sh*t No One Tells You: The Plan

The Aftermath

That conversation left things…very uneasy. I struggled constantly wondering if I made the right decision. In that moment I felt lost, alone and like I was swept up in this whirlwind.

I distanced myself from my emotions. I didn’t plan anything, I didn’t set up a nursery, I didn’t nest, I didn’t read to the baby or have the baby listen to music. I didn’t get attached to the life growing inside of me. I was terrified I was going to wake up and the kidlet would be lifeless in the bed.

They had scared the ever living sh*t out of me. I didn’t know how I could handle things if I let myself get attached. (I am sure you can see this is setting things up for a difficult first few months after the kidlet was born…but we do what we have to). I felt I needed to protect myself.

The reindeer and I were isolating and protecting ourselves- Photo by Author

There was no one to talk to about this. I didn’t know anyone who had gone through it. When I looked at message boards online there was nothing for people who were hanging in limbo. It always seemed to be women struggling with fertility, struggling after a miscarriage, or a stillbirth. I couldn’t find anyone to identify with.

Pregnancy is supposed to be this amazing time of bonding, with your partner (of which I didn’t have), the unborn child, a community of Moms, all of it. Instead I felt more and more isolated as…